As parents, we all experience moments of frustration and concern when our child engages in behavior that we know is not right. It can be incredibly disheartening when they lose their school book or resort to physical aggression, as we believe in teaching them non-violent communication. We feel the need to correct them immediately and seek support from the school to address and prevent such undesirable actions. Remember, we’re here to help you navigate through these challenges and find effective solutions.
Moments like these, however, are pivotal opportunities for growth and learning for children. A child’s development is shaped by the lessons he or she learns during moments of error, not from its periphery. But so often, parents withhold these moments of learning in favor of corrections being made by them. Is this what is best for the development of the child, though?
Overview
In this blog post, I’ll share a letter I wrote in response to a parent’s request for tighter restrictions and supervision of his son, a 12-year-old middle school student who lost his school book. The parent requested to be in contact with his son’s teachers on a regular basis to monitor his progress and make sure he was doing what was asked of him.
My response focuses on fostering responsibility in children, promoting effective communication between parents and schools, and finding a balance between support and independence. I drew a lot of inspiration from Julie Lythcott-Haims and her powerful book, How to Raise an Adult, along with subtle tips from John Medina and his work on adolescent brain development.
The Response
Good afternoon, sir.
Thank you for your communication with us and for your trust in us for supporting your son. If I understood your email correctly, you are reporting to us that your son lost his portfolio and, along with it, any previously written summaries, reflections, and notes from school. I’m saddened to hear that he has not been responsible for this book, as most of our students have been thus far, and that he isn’t taking it seriously. It is such an important tool for our middle school students, this portfolio, that without it, they will be at a great disadvantage. Luckily, he can purchase a new one from our front office at any time.
I’m concerned, though, with all of these little things adding up, that they are seriously affecting your son and his chances of success as he develops into an adult – because, ultimately, that is what we are doing with your son and all of our students, teaching them to be adults. My concerns are that he isn’t understanding any of the life lessons you or the school are trying to impart on him and that he is digressing rather than progressing in these areas. I do not feel that having you be in touch with his teachers on a regular basis will change this, too. I am happy to put you in touch with them, of course; however, this will, in my professional opinion, further militate against Your son’s positive development into an adult.
Your son, and students like him, are at a difficult and critical age in their development. ‘Difficult’ because their behavior at this age can sometimes drive us crazy; we want what is best for them but, so often, we see them doing the wrong thing, and we are compelled to stop them. And ‘critical’ because when we do step out and stop them, they do not learn the greatest lesson of all, failure. Failure gives early teenagers important feedback about the world that, when other adults give it to them, they ignore. When not allowed to fail, children are deprived of the chance to build self-efficacy. Self-efficacy comes from sees that your own actions lead to outcomes independent of any intervention from parents or teachers.
What this means, essentially, is that your son must discover what it means to rise and fall and to rise again. It means that he must dream, and dream even bigger, only to be pulled back down by a dose of reality again and again. It means that when your son – and all kids his age – are allowed to experience the ebb and flow of their actions, their decisions, and the rise and fall of their own reality, they emerge from this chrysalis not as they once were, but as something greater; they emerge as an adult. Being an adult is not easy. It is full of challenges that we, to be honest, have no idea what to do about, and wish were not our burden. But you and I know that, as fathers, the challenges we face in life are, in fact, surmountable. Your son doesn’t know this, yet. But he will. He will because through the crucible of experience and the trenches of development into an adult, his mistakes will lead into lessons that will transform his life.
Though I’m unhappy that your son has lost the portfolio, I am happy that he is daring enough to make mistakes. I encourage you to ask him how he wishes to fix the problem himself and listen as he gives you some solutions. Then, send him to me next week with those solutions, and let’s see if they will bear fruit. I can’t assure you that he won’t resist and give you a hard time. But I can assure you that the lessons he will learn from this and other missteps will start to release him from his childhood self and give him permission to grow into an adult that will start to make better decisions.
Thank you for your email and constant support.
I hope you have a nice week, sir.
Warm regards.
The Three Main Points of this Response
1. Fostering Responsibility
One of the most valuable lessons we can teach our children is responsibility. Instead of relying solely on external support and supervision, moments like these can be used to encourage children to take ownership of their actions.
2. Effective Communication
Open and constructive communication between parents and schools is key to resolving issues like the one referenced in the letter. Reach out to your child’s teacher or school staff to discuss your concerns and request guidance on how to handle the situation. Schools are often willing to provide strategies and tips for improving organization and responsibility in students. A collaborative approach ensures that both parents and schools are working together to support the growth of children.
3. Balancing Support and Independence
Finding the right balance between providing support and allowing children to become more independent is a delicate but crucial task. While it’s natural to want to protect children from setbacks, it’s equally important to let them learn from their mistakes. Losing a school book, for example, can be a valuable lesson in consequences and accountability. As parents, we must offer guidance and a safety net, but we must also allow room for our children to learn and grow through their experiences.
Cover photo by Alexander Grey on Unsplash
